Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Buzz on Vibes

Feeling quite proud of myself for getting over the initial hub of retail sexology 101, I went home at the stroke of midnight to relax. I was renting a victorianesque room in a house belonging to a friend of a friend. Our arrangment was ideal in a sense. He worked nights and I worked afternoons. When he was leaving, I was coming home and vice versa.

This night I had a celebratory bottle of Labatt's Blue and reflected over the previous shift. There was so, so much to learn. It really wasn't all that bad, deviant or dirty. I mean it was just sex after all. So why the shame, nervousness and neurotic behaviour?

Our society had become accustomed to those who were looking to fulfill their needs of love and belonging. Sometimes people could be as condemning as organized religion and I felt I had no place in it. Nonetheless the taboo and eccentric elements of the job, the environment had me facinated. I fully intended on making the most of this opportunity.

Taking a swill off my beer I considered the countless "odd" toys or marital items was the term I'd been previously accustomed to. I was a babe in the woods to this concept just as much as if not more then the genres of film I learned earlier that day.

How deliciously naughty these platic wands of wizardry must've been to boldly be thrust into the heart of deprived lust and longing. The notion aroused me the more I thought about it.

You had your multi-speed; your pocket rockets; your dual action silver bullets and golden eggs; water resistant-water proof; gyrating; rotating; g-spot designed; wearable clit stimulators; multi coloured slim lines---it seemed there was a flavour or fancy for just about everything under the sun--'er make that where the sun don't shine.

My obvious dilemma surged my pulse into a rapid drum beat once again. Just how was I supposed to learn all this stuff? If I was going to be any type of decent salesman (or was it indecent?) let alone of the dynamic variety Mitch Savoy advertised for, I best learn my craft and learn it well.

I certainly had obstacles. My bashful demeanor had to go. I vowed right then and there to pretend to be someone else to overcome this ridiculous awkwardness. I was going to become a doctor; a doctor of love. There were everyday, ordinary people--these consumers and I was there to help them--a prescription for good vibrations--all very legitimate.

Getting back to the learning the product, I'd have to take a hefty volume of notes, returning to the store tomorrow. Theory was fine. I had little experience or virtually none concerning adult toys or novelties. It was not as though present circumstances permitted me to experiment. my lengthy, involuntary bout of born again celebacy saw to this.

I gulped the last of my beer, set my alarm and prepared to face tomorrow with full intent on finding the buzz on vibes.


Monday, August 9, 2010

Conclusion of Floor Rapport

.....he fixed me an expression that read into translation:

"Anyway I can possibly blast your mother with anal sex?" and retreated to the other side of the store. god this was not only frustrating but humiliating; knowing full well Mitch and his saigon kick were peering at me under scrutiny. Was I actually going to be fired before I even got started? I had to change my strategy and change it fast.

Subtly I watched another browser with a couple of movies in tow scanning the sections inquisitively. With sheer instinct I grabbed a couple of boxes two at random.

"Sorry, excuse me? I can't help but notice a couple of your selections?"

"Huh? Oh yeah-' he glanced down at his choices. "Nici Sterling, damn what a fox-" Finally something I could work with. This guy was a conisseur, no doubt. I best choose my next actions carefully.

"Oh no doubt about that my friend. Something about that Euro look does it for me everytime." I had no idea where that came from, but I ran with it. "You know something if you like F-Zone there, you gotta check out Gang Bang girl. It'll blow your mind."

Since I just returned the box cover I knew exactly where it was. Reaching for it I handed it to him with enthusiasm. He regarded the front, the buxom Brit donned in equestrian garb and raised an eyebrow. Turning the cover, he nodded answering his own silent question.

"Yeah among everybody else." Together we burst into laughter. A great ice breaker for sure.
"Ok, what else you got?"

Momentarily stumped, I quipped quickly,"Ah' scanning the anal section thank god she show cased another cover. Prime choices volume--- oh who knows--

"I haven't actually seen this one yet but it is very popular." Once again he appraised the cover. Nici was bent over in burgandy lingerie with a white back drop.

"Ok cool. thanks for all your help."

"My pleasure, need anything just give us a shout." I glanced over at Mitch, he winked with approval, then he shuddered as his eyes slipped back to normal.

Walking back over to the counter, the saigon kick even beemed with pride. A short time later the other participant in my Sterling interaction came to the counter proudly with half a dozen box titles.

Mr Savoy quickly interjected, "Now Dan, I'd like you to watch how we rent movies out of the system." Before Mitch could even summon his phone number, the customer replied, "Oh no, I'd like to purchase these." Mitch raised an eye brow.

"Ah! Excellent choices Searle--"

"Yeah your staff here was so friendly and helpful. I appreciate it. Thank you!" Our perversity purchaser shot me a wink.

Well I suppose I'd stick around after all, passing my first milestone in the Floor Rapport. I could tell things were beginning to turn around as Mitch Savoy never called me Dan ever again.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

More and More Floor Rapport

.....The transexual looking refugee paused to toss her arms in the air and bend down ( she too was about half a foot taller than Mitch ). He paused from his infernal clattering away on the dot matrix computer.

"Dan--,' he started walking to the other side of the glass counter now. "Please disrespect Babe.-' he stood closer than my personal comfort permitted. "She's only trying to help you--help me--the business.' Again with that kookie two separate gazes look, it was really un-nerving. "So get on the floor Searle-' he flashed his best three dollar bill smile that I didn't trust. "And interact with the customers, that's what they're here for Dan."

I sighed. "Mitch-my name is-"

"Good, good, good-" he was already retreating to the back of the counter with a gloating Lauren. For likely the fifth dozen time since arriving, I'd considered walking out. Then I'd thought logically-he's likely got a point. Simply standing behind the counter exploits an 'Us and Them' mentality. I learned this notion in school with counselling. you never counsel a client behind a desk. It places an image of emtionally, psychologically and of course physically placing walls and barriers. How can you expect to bring down metaphorical walls for the client when you are building your own?

I decided to give it the old college try. Approaching a potential customer with a stack of movie boxes, I employed "Anything I can help you out with Sir?" I almost spurted out Searle at the last minute and promptly refrained......


Thursday, July 29, 2010

Further Floor Rapport

.....unusual he seemed completely oblivious and unphased by the content. Offering me a quick glance, he even waltzed straight behind the counter.

To my complete dismay, Mitch reefed the brazen Thai towards him, ridiculously goosing his ass all the while. Mitch swirled his tongue like a crazed fat kid, freshly escaped from fat camp.

I was mere seconds away from dropping my box titles and running out the back door in search of electro-shock therapy to erase my brain. This was far more twisted than any one person should have to witness, let alone for one day.

"Oh Baby, this is our new store saviour, Dan. He's going to sell the tits off a nun,' Mitch muttered barely audible. "Excuse me searle?" hae added in his drunken used car salesman voice. "Dan? This is my main squeeze Lauren." For emphasis he cupped and goosed Lauren's behind once again. "Lauren this is Dan."

Lauren? Good God! A girl? She was so unattractive I didn't know if I should vomit or cackle with maniacal laughter.

I glared at Mitch for getting my name wrong. His two direction gaze confused me if he was looking at me or just past me. The boyish looking asian waved non-chanlantly then proceeded a passive attempt at communication with tremoring lips and without audio.

"Sorry?" Again the same trembling lips-void of sound and an impatient flail of the arm.

"What-Lauren I can't hear you..." This time a flabbergased sigh more rapid muttering with no effort to speak louder.

Ok I get it. I must be on video camera. This was one of those prank-hidden camera shows. An elaborate rouse as it were. Oh damn, was I embarrassed!


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Even More Floor Rapport

....My poor naive mind.

Nervously I smiled with jittery hands and walked from the display case in attempt to organize the titles in their proper category. I felt like all eyes were on me as I roamed among the ravenous consumers, scanning box covers for alike items. It was a depraved jungle on the floor with anxious murmers and fidgety glances. I delved my efforts directly into the categories Amateur, Stag, among others pleased with my efforts and avoiding eye contact with the customers and all costs. There was no way I wanted to know what they were thinking. And no way I wanted them to see my flushed complexion.

Browsing each of the series and occasionally fusing about in attempt to match similiar items chronilogically in their respected series, Instantly became a sargeant for detail. Many people scoffed claiming just because it was porn there was no sense of order required. On the contrary was my belief. Adult entertainment was a reluctant and embarrasing study for most. The more efficent, informative and organized the better.

Just as my eyes began to glaze over and threaten to cross (from the over indulgance of flesh I'm sure) the front doors chimed. The two roaming consumers seemed as unsettled as I was. If Mitch wasn't going to intercept, clearly I'd have to do something. A very young looking Asian boy came strutting into the show room like he'd owned the place. The nerve of this child! To dwell in an environment unfit to even see, if ever. .... (con'd)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

More Floor Rapport

As odd or eccentric or regardless of how my new employer rubbed me the wrong way, he had a very valid point. Perhaps his philosophies derived from any retail sector; in reality it could be perceived as tanglibe to even this unusual realm of shopping.

While making notes on how to accept cassette rentals as returns and filing them sequentially, I assisted by gathering their respective advertising boxes. I glanced at the illicit imagery of each, collecting and preparing for display. Countless genres were noted. 'Up and Cummers Part 36'- a play on words for an amateur series apparently popular to warrant thirty five sequels; Gangbang Girl with a beautiful brunetted named Nici Sterling dressed in regal equestrian outfit surrounded by nine semi-clothed studs. Wait. Sex with nine guys? Was this even possible? The very boundries of my limited sexual knowledge stretched and mis-shapened to the brink of insanity.

"Seymore Butts-Playing with Fire" an obviously humourous psedenym perhaps designed to make the most uptight and jaded of viewers at ease. Psychology and porn-most intriguing indeed. Mr. Savoy giddy all the sudden-promptly fed me trivia on the title, (with pride) stating the title was a hottie because of its ban within the United States. One of the performers was an actual New York City fireman--boning (as Mitch eloquently added) Butt's girlfriend--Shane right in the NYC firehall. Boning his girlfriend? I felt woozy as I realized I'd stepped right into the eye of the twilight zone. A subculture where men let other men 'bone' their girlfriends and even videotaped it for mass production and profit. This was too much enlightment and education for one day for my poor naive mind.


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Ass Crew presents Floor Rapport

My tenre began to strengthen and solidify at the Adult Emporium. I learned precisely why I was submerged in the Mammon of Miscreants; More on this motley crew as the tale continues to unfold. Much to my amazement, I was hired on the spot.

At the very least I'd thought I'd have at least one night to fester and ferment in my own juices of neurosis. Should I be pleased to be working in such an environment? Would my family disown me? When could I expect to be rendered a social outcast?

After all this was 1996 and sexuality in Canada. If we weren't ashamed of it, evidently we should be. Working in a porno shoppe of all things, I'm sure I'd be labelled as a sick pervert. Every woman that passed me on the street would be able to see the shame in my eyes and clamour to the opposite side of the street, citing 'sicko, creep and pervert' along the way. All the while I'd be assumed to be a chronic masturbator if nothing else.

I stared in disbelief, attempting to absorb Mitch Savoy's words of wisdom. "Everyone that steps through the threshold of Adult Emporium--wants---something. They may not know what or even realize it. It is our job--our duty-- to help them discover what.' Mitch had no use for jack-offs ( a doragatory term I'd found was outrageously humourous) that sat behind the counter, doing crosswords or reading a book all the while refusing to acknowledge the presence of good paying customers.