Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Mammon of Miscreants V Strive or Dive

...I had no idea what I was looking at within those jewel like cases of glass, housing every conceivable brain storm of sexual toys or what I bashfully referred to as 'marital aids'. Ben-wa balls--two plastic spheres connected on a string, dongs in every imaginable variety--suction cupped bases, flesh coloured, pink, black, see-through jelly, double headed dongs, 6", 7", 8" and 9"--essentially all prostetic penises, something called the tongue--which was promoted in what looked like 1960's kaytel info-mercial boxes, anal beads--basically little plastic balls on a string, butt plugs--triple ripple butt plugs--these had to have been jokes as there was no way one could cram that up their ass, gelatin penis sleeves, extensions, strap ons, delay spray, china brush, multi-speed vibrators. My mind whirled over and over thinking my skull would explode from sensory and stimuli overload.

I considered once again to dash out the door and resisted, trying to prove something to myself. I clung onto the theory that I wasn't a quitter. I'd take this job if it was all that was available. I'd be damned if I was going to succumb to the pogey stereotype of a free-loader. I'd also be fucked if I was going to remain the same timid, shy, perpetually single chronic masturbator that all my ex's claimed I was horribly boring, linear or dull in bed. No way in hell the god damned buck stopped here and I was going to embrace this underdog environment and give it the best positive spin there could be. I think it was in my own mind at that very moment the acronym ASS CREW or All Satisfying Sex Can Render Everyone Wonderstruck was conceived. This brainchild took some time to nurture, develop and mould mind you but I was not going to feel like a nobody for the rest of my life. My days of being useless were over. Little did I know the days of being ostracized, aliennated and horribly misunderstood were merely beginning.

"Sorry 'bout that Dan, you'll have to excuse me.. ... been running on a skeleton crew here last couple of days.' Mitch extended his hand, gave it mine a good squeeze. I liked that a sign of assertion. Yet the temptation to wipe my hand vigorously on my pants were nearly irresistible. "So you want to work for the Adult Emporium, very good Searle... tell me a little bit about yourself..."

"Well first off Mitch, thank you in advance for the opportunity in this interview, but first thing is first, the name is Dave," Shocked I searched the confines of the porn store wondering exactly whom was bellowing this baritone of confidence. Perhaps even more surprised I was at realizing it was me.


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