Thursday, July 29, 2010

Further Floor Rapport

.....unusual he seemed completely oblivious and unphased by the content. Offering me a quick glance, he even waltzed straight behind the counter.

To my complete dismay, Mitch reefed the brazen Thai towards him, ridiculously goosing his ass all the while. Mitch swirled his tongue like a crazed fat kid, freshly escaped from fat camp.

I was mere seconds away from dropping my box titles and running out the back door in search of electro-shock therapy to erase my brain. This was far more twisted than any one person should have to witness, let alone for one day.

"Oh Baby, this is our new store saviour, Dan. He's going to sell the tits off a nun,' Mitch muttered barely audible. "Excuse me searle?" hae added in his drunken used car salesman voice. "Dan? This is my main squeeze Lauren." For emphasis he cupped and goosed Lauren's behind once again. "Lauren this is Dan."

Lauren? Good God! A girl? She was so unattractive I didn't know if I should vomit or cackle with maniacal laughter.

I glared at Mitch for getting my name wrong. His two direction gaze confused me if he was looking at me or just past me. The boyish looking asian waved non-chanlantly then proceeded a passive attempt at communication with tremoring lips and without audio.

"Sorry?" Again the same trembling lips-void of sound and an impatient flail of the arm.

"What-Lauren I can't hear you..." This time a flabbergased sigh more rapid muttering with no effort to speak louder.

Ok I get it. I must be on video camera. This was one of those prank-hidden camera shows. An elaborate rouse as it were. Oh damn, was I embarrassed!


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Even More Floor Rapport

....My poor naive mind.

Nervously I smiled with jittery hands and walked from the display case in attempt to organize the titles in their proper category. I felt like all eyes were on me as I roamed among the ravenous consumers, scanning box covers for alike items. It was a depraved jungle on the floor with anxious murmers and fidgety glances. I delved my efforts directly into the categories Amateur, Stag, among others pleased with my efforts and avoiding eye contact with the customers and all costs. There was no way I wanted to know what they were thinking. And no way I wanted them to see my flushed complexion.

Browsing each of the series and occasionally fusing about in attempt to match similiar items chronilogically in their respected series, Instantly became a sargeant for detail. Many people scoffed claiming just because it was porn there was no sense of order required. On the contrary was my belief. Adult entertainment was a reluctant and embarrasing study for most. The more efficent, informative and organized the better.

Just as my eyes began to glaze over and threaten to cross (from the over indulgance of flesh I'm sure) the front doors chimed. The two roaming consumers seemed as unsettled as I was. If Mitch wasn't going to intercept, clearly I'd have to do something. A very young looking Asian boy came strutting into the show room like he'd owned the place. The nerve of this child! To dwell in an environment unfit to even see, if ever. .... (con'd)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

More Floor Rapport

As odd or eccentric or regardless of how my new employer rubbed me the wrong way, he had a very valid point. Perhaps his philosophies derived from any retail sector; in reality it could be perceived as tanglibe to even this unusual realm of shopping.

While making notes on how to accept cassette rentals as returns and filing them sequentially, I assisted by gathering their respective advertising boxes. I glanced at the illicit imagery of each, collecting and preparing for display. Countless genres were noted. 'Up and Cummers Part 36'- a play on words for an amateur series apparently popular to warrant thirty five sequels; Gangbang Girl with a beautiful brunetted named Nici Sterling dressed in regal equestrian outfit surrounded by nine semi-clothed studs. Wait. Sex with nine guys? Was this even possible? The very boundries of my limited sexual knowledge stretched and mis-shapened to the brink of insanity.

"Seymore Butts-Playing with Fire" an obviously humourous psedenym perhaps designed to make the most uptight and jaded of viewers at ease. Psychology and porn-most intriguing indeed. Mr. Savoy giddy all the sudden-promptly fed me trivia on the title, (with pride) stating the title was a hottie because of its ban within the United States. One of the performers was an actual New York City fireman--boning (as Mitch eloquently added) Butt's girlfriend--Shane right in the NYC firehall. Boning his girlfriend? I felt woozy as I realized I'd stepped right into the eye of the twilight zone. A subculture where men let other men 'bone' their girlfriends and even videotaped it for mass production and profit. This was too much enlightment and education for one day for my poor naive mind.


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Ass Crew presents Floor Rapport

My tenre began to strengthen and solidify at the Adult Emporium. I learned precisely why I was submerged in the Mammon of Miscreants; More on this motley crew as the tale continues to unfold. Much to my amazement, I was hired on the spot.

At the very least I'd thought I'd have at least one night to fester and ferment in my own juices of neurosis. Should I be pleased to be working in such an environment? Would my family disown me? When could I expect to be rendered a social outcast?

After all this was 1996 and sexuality in Canada. If we weren't ashamed of it, evidently we should be. Working in a porno shoppe of all things, I'm sure I'd be labelled as a sick pervert. Every woman that passed me on the street would be able to see the shame in my eyes and clamour to the opposite side of the street, citing 'sicko, creep and pervert' along the way. All the while I'd be assumed to be a chronic masturbator if nothing else.

I stared in disbelief, attempting to absorb Mitch Savoy's words of wisdom. "Everyone that steps through the threshold of Adult Emporium--wants---something. They may not know what or even realize it. It is our job--our duty-- to help them discover what.' Mitch had no use for jack-offs ( a doragatory term I'd found was outrageously humourous) that sat behind the counter, doing crosswords or reading a book all the while refusing to acknowledge the presence of good paying customers.